I
was only 29
and lonely as a bull moose in heat
when he came along,
singing that same old song.
I said you know I'm entering my prime
31 to 39,
bet you've read those
articles too.
Statistically speaking,
my hormones are creeping
I can feel them moving in the night
But like those articles say I'm a woman,
I can wait until it's right
I'm gonna be a cosmopolitan
Cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan girl
I take half a dozen lovers
Teach them what I've seen
In between the covers
of my favorite magazine
I'm gonna read statistics,
plan logistics
Live my life to the hilt
Without shame, without pain,
or without guilt
We're big on guilt
I hit thirty
Waiting for my endocrine
to match those questionnaires
He grew im patient.
I said, I'm saving myself.
Meantime, let's do some therapy,
take a course in codependency,
and while we're at it, you
can lose some weight.
We got so much to share.
No, don't touch me there.
What's another year between
friends?
The wait will be worth it,
cause I'm bound to
be perfect by then.
I'm gonna be a cosmopolitan,
cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan girl.
Well, I'm reading Kama Sutra.
I bought it on cassette.
And I found this chiropractor
who can limber up my neck.
I want that first time flawless,
really flawless.
Want to enjoy it to the hilt,
without shame, without pain,
without guilt.
The big day finally came
There was a note on the door
And it said, here's a little something
To remember me by
I've fallen for this waitress
Who respects her cellulite
This is a cosmopolitan
Cosmopolitan
Cosmopolitan gift
And I know that you appreciate it
When you think of me
All those lonely nights
while you're protecting your virginity
this gift is flawless
this gift is cordless
so enjoy it to the rest
without shame without
pain without guilt
without shame without pain
No shame, no pain, no guilt.